Telephone handset with notes showing "Mikhail called - laughing"

The mystery has been solved.

I am relieved, embarrassed, and slightly amused.

Also: I need to recalibrate my threat assessment protocols.

10:47 - The Phone Call

Mikhail called. Before I could say “Здравствуй,” I heard laughing.

Not polite chuckling. Full laughing. The kind of laughing that means someone knows something you don’t.

Mikhail: “Tolya, I need to tell you something before this goes further.”

Me: “It’s you. The emails are from you.”

Mikhail: “No! But I know who sent them. I just got off the phone with Yevgeny.”

Me: (calculating) “Yevgeny doesn’t have the technical skills—”

Mikhail: “Not Yevgeny. His grandson. Dima.”

Me: “…”

Mikhail: (more laughing) “Dima is fourteen. He loves computers. Yevgeny tells him stories about the old laboratory, about you, about your Tuesday obsession. Dima read your blog. ALL of it. He thought it would be funny to pretend to be the Tuesday Research Consortium.”

Me: “A fourteen-year-old.”

Mikhail: “A very clever fourteen-year-old. He set up the ProtonMail account, used Tor, made it look professional. Yevgeny had no idea until this morning.”

Me: “How did Yevgeny find out?”

Mikhail: “Dima’s mother found the draft emails on his computer. She called Yevgeny. Yevgeny called me, absolutely mortified. He’s calling you next.”

11:15 - The Call from Yekaterinburg

Dr. Yevgeny Konstantinovich: (not in all caps, which means he is serious)

“Anatoli Ivanovich. I am calling to apologize. My grandson Dmitri has been… creative… with your email address.”

Me: “I know. Mikhail told me.”

Yevgeny: “He is grounded. No computer for two weeks. His mother is very angry. I am also angry, but also… a little bit impressed? The boy taught himself Tor routing.”

Me: “The emails were very convincing.”

Yevgeny: “He read your entire blog. Every post. He quoted your data back to you. He said you seemed lonely and maybe would appreciate feeling like part of something larger.”

This hit harder than expected.

Me: “He… that was his reasoning?”

Yevgeny: “Fourteen-year-olds have strange logic. He also thought it was funny. Mostly he thought it was funny.”

Me: “The 14:37 timestamp—”

Yevgeny: “He remembered the oscilloscope story. I tell it at family dinners. He thought you would appreciate the reference.”

Me: “I did. That’s why I was suspicious.”

Yevgeny: “I am sorry, Anatoli. This is my fault. I talk too much about the old days. Dima thinks Laboratory 23-Б was more interesting than it actually was.”

Me: “It was interesting enough.”

Yevgeny: “Dima wants to apologize to you himself. Can I give him your email? He promises no more Tuesday Research Consortium.”

Me: “Yes. Tell him… tell him the emails were well-researched. His methodology was sound. His operational security was good. But next time he should ask before impersonating fictional research organizations.”

Yevgeny: “I will tell him. Also, Anatoli?”

Me: “Yes?”

Yevgeny: “Your blog really is entertaining. Even my daughter has been reading it. She says you write well about loneliness.”

Me: (unexpected emotion) “Thank you.”

Yevgeny: “Keep writing. Keep measuring Tuesdays. Someone is reading. Even if it is just my family and Mikhail’s entire extended social circle.”

13:30 - Email from Dima

From: dima.konstantinov.2011@gmail.com
Subject: I am sorry (also you are cool)

Dear Dr. Goverki,

I am very sorry for the fake emails. My dedushka (grandfather) is very mad. My mother took my computer.

I read your whole blog in two days. I really like your posts about the Tuesday Anomaly and the oscilloscope and the eggs.

I thought maybe you would want to know other people are studying Tuesdays too. But I made it up. There is no Tuesday Research Consortium. I am sorry.

My dedushka says you used to do experiments at Laboratory 23-Б and you were very serious about measuring things nobody else cared about. He says you are still like that. I think that is cool.

I like science too. I want to study computer security when I am older. Maybe physics also.

I am sorry for lying. The Tor routing was real though. And the ProtonMail encryption.

I hope you still measure Tuesdays.

- Dmitri Konstantinov (age 14)

P.S. Did you really measure refrigerator sounds for 21 days?
P.P.S. My dedushka says you did and also the concrete study was SEVEN YEARS. This is dedication.

My Reply

Dmitri,

Apology accepted. Your emails were convincing because you did your research thoroughly. This is good scientific practice, even when applied to pranks.

Yes, I measured refrigerator sounds for 21 days. The concrete study was 7 years (1998-2005, 1.3 million data points). Your dedushka is correct about the dedication, though he might say "obsession."

Computer security is a good field. Physics is also good, though less financially rewarding. Both require careful attention to detail, which you clearly have.

I will continue measuring Tuesdays. Someone should.

Feel free to email me about science questions (real questions, not fake research consortiums). Your grandfather has my address.

- Dr. A. Goverki

P.S. Next time you want to test operational security, ask first. I will help you set up a proper test environment.
P.P.S. You are ungrounded from contacting me. Tell your mother I said this. She will probably ignore me, but try anyway.

Reflections on Being Pranked by a Teenager

Emotions experienced (in order):

  1. Suspicion (correct)
  2. Paranoia (excessive but entertaining)
  3. Scientific excitement (misplaced)
  4. Relief (appropriate)
  5. Embarrassment (moderate)
  6. Amusement (growing)
  7. Unexpected warmth (Dima read my whole blog and thought I was cool)

Lessons learned:

  • Always suspect the technically-competent teenager
  • My blog has readers (Yevgeny’s family, Mikhail’s social circle, one 14-year-old in Yekaterinburg)
  • The Tuesday Anomaly is interesting enough to prank someone about
  • Being called “cool” by a teenager feels surprisingly validating at age 53

Status of Tuesday Research Consortium:

  • Does not exist
  • Never existed
  • Created by teenager with too much time during school break
  • Surprisingly well-executed for fictional organization

Status of next Tuesday’s measurements:

  • Will conduct anyway
  • No longer expecting +0.4 to +0.6 Hz elevation
  • Though will measure just to be sure
  • Because what if Dima accidentally predicted correctly?
  • (This is how pattern-seeking becomes compulsion)

Mystery status: Solved

Perpetrator: Dmitri Konstantinov, age 14, Yekaterinburg

Grandfather’s status: Mortified but slightly proud

My status: Relieved, amused, slightly less lonely

Tuesday measurements: Continuing as planned (always)

Note to Dima: Well played. But next time, make the prediction falsifiable BEFORE I spend 6 days preparing equipment.